Where&#8217;s Tom Wolfe when you need him?
<p>The Ananova site brings us this little gem:</p>
<h3>Baseball star&#8217;s wife makes ultimate threat</h3>
<blockquote>
<p>The wife of a top US baseball player has vowed to have sex with all of<br />
his team mates if he ever cheats on her.</p>
<p>Anna Benson, a former model and stripper who was named Baseball&#8217;s<br />
Hottest Wife by FHM, is married to Mets pitcher Kris Benson.</p>
<p>She told Howard Stern&#8217;s radio show: &#8220;I told him, cheat on me all<br />
you want. If you get caught, I&#8217;m going to s***w everybody on your<br />
entire team. Coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his<br />
whole team.&#8221;</p>
<p>Stern, egging her on, asked: &#8220;Even the coaches? What about, like, the<br />
bat boys?&#8221;</p>
<p>&#8220;Everybody would get a turn,&#8221; Anna pledged. &#8220;If my husband cheated on<br />
me and embarrassed me like that, I will embarrass him more than he<br />
could ever imagine.&#8221;</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Uh huh.  I see that, somehow, <a href='graphics/anna-benson.jpg'>this woman</a> managed to have a<br />
career as a &#8220;model and stripper&#8221; without developing the faintest shred<br />
of a clue how men think or respond to a challenge like this.</p>
<p>Bet on it.  Somehere, a coalition of the most unattractive<br />
no-hopers in the Mets organization &mdash; probably organized by some<br />
dude with a beer gut, bad breath, and a bread-dough complexion who<br />
harbors a long-simmering lust for the wench &mdash; is now organizing<br />
a pool with which to engage the foxiest hookers in the Big Apple to<br />
waylay her husband.  What a pitch!  Throw $50 in the kitty and<br />
&#8220;Baseball&#8217;s Hottest Wife&#8221; will bang you too!</p>
<p>Think of it&#8230;everywhere Kris Benson goes, hired hotties in thongs,<br />
lingerie, and leather will be lying in wait for him.  They&#8217;ll hit on<br />
him in bars and materialize unaccountably in his hotel room after away<br />
games.  They&#8217;ll try to give him blow jobs in taxis.  Confederates<br />
with cameras will lurk nearby.</p>
<p>I&#8217;m not sure which would be funnier&#8230;the version in which hubby<br />
succumbs to some soiled lily&#8217;s charms and wifey screws her way through<br />
the team before making an &#8220;Eeeew!&#8221; of disgust at the instigator and<br />
splitting for Cancun with the hunky batboy? Or perhaps the version in<br />
which hubby is cornered, hands over his crotch, by a gaggle of<br />
rapacious prostitutes who decide they&#8217;re not being paid enough for<br />
this shit and turn on organizer-dude to rend him limb from limb like<br />
some posse of latter-day Bacchantes.</p>
<p>O the humanity.  O the satirical-novel possibilities!</p>
<p>UPDATE: My wife Cathy, who is an <a href='graphics/cathy-red.jpg'>actual woman</a>, comments &#8220;You have to<br />
wonder about her motives for making a threat like this in public.  Me,<br />
I suspect that doing the whole team is her fantasy&#8230;&#8221;</p>
