On being a gentleman
<p>So I&#8217;m walking down a hallway at Penguicon 2014 and I notice one of the people who had tossed intelligent questions at me during my Ask Me Anything panel.  He&#8217;s rather hard to miss; you don&#8217;t often see guys who fit the description &#8220;huge blond viking&#8221; so well, and when you do they are not apt to be wearing full drag, including a wig and earrings. Beside him is a rather pretty woman emitting wife-or-girlfriend cues that are not readily reconciled with the drag.</p>
<p>&#8220;Hey honey,&#8221; he says &#8220;that&#8217;s who I was telling you about.&#8221;  Addressing me, he says &#8220;I&#8217;ve made <cite>The Art of Unix Programming</cite> required reading in my IT group.&#8221;  OK, that&#8217;s worth stopping for, if only out of politeness.  I say something agreeable.</p>
<p>&#8220;I started that&#8221;, says honey &#8220;but I only got two chapters in.  I didn&#8217;t understand it.&#8221;   Closer up she is quite attractive, slender and blue-eyed and fit.  Also a bit tipsy, and if I&#8217;m any judge not quite as bright as viking-drag-guy even when sober &#8211; though this being an SF convention her IQ is probably comfortably above average anyway. This judgment informs my response.</p>
<p>I suggest she try reading <cite>The Cathedral and the Bazaar</cite> instead, as it&#8217;s more accessible to people without a programming background.  Mostly anthropology and economics, I explain.  Viking-drag-guy says &#8220;Huh. I guess that&#8217;s true.&#8221;  I say a few relevant things about praxeology and Hayek. &#8220;I think I have a copy at home,&#8221; he says to her.</p>
<p>Honey is developing other ideas; there is now a bit of sexual edge in her gaze.  &#8220;I want a picture with you.&#8221; Viking-drag-guy pulls out a smartphone and positions it.  Nothing loth, I move next to her and she promptly pulls me into intimate range. I look at the smartphone lens and feel something damp on my cheek.  Honey is licking me playfully.  I make a startled noise. Viking-drag-guy looks amused.  Then honey asks me to kiss her.</p>
<p>She is quite attractive and viking-drag-guy doesn&#8217;t look inclined to try to drop-kick me into the next county (an intention I&#8217;d have to take seriously from anyone that large, hand-to-hand training or no) so I comply. She kisses me most thoroughly, and while I don&#8217;t exactly escalate I do my best to make it an enjoyable experience for her. </p>
<p>To understand my reaction to what comes next, you need to know that various women in my life have insisted that I am quite good at this, and I think I know why; when I kiss a woman she gets my total undivided attention to that moment, contrasting with a lot of men who are distractedly thinking about, oh, I dunno what &#8211; their next move, probably. This is why I&#8217;m a little surprised when honey breaks the smooch and complains.</p>
<p>&#8220;You didn&#8217;t give me any tongue!&#8221; she says.  Er&#8230;viking-drag-guy is still looking amused, and she&#8217;s still pretty, so I mentally shrug and go in for round two, though I am growing slightly uncomfortable with the situation.</p>
<p>Honey can tell this. &#8220;You&#8217;re too tense,&#8221; she says. &#8220;you need to loosen your lips.  That&#8217;s what makes it passionate.&#8221;  Uh oh.  Now I must risk giving offense.</p>
<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry,&#8221; I explained.  &#8220;I am, actually, feeling a bit inhibited. I strongly prefer kissing women when they&#8217;re completely sober and responsible.&#8221;</p>
<p>Honey makes a visible effort to think about this.  After a pause, she says &#8220;Isn&#8217;t that a bit unrealistic?&#8221;  Those were her exact words.</p>
<p><em>Boing!</em> A dry, Spock-like voice in my brain informs me that I have obviously encountered a woman who considers inebriation a normal part of the mating dance.  I am just reflecting that, by report, this is statistically normal behavior which I can consider exceptional only because I choose my social contexts rather carefully, when viking-drag-guy interrupts my thought.</p>
<p>&#8220;He&#8217;s being a gentleman, honey,&#8221; he says.  Whereupon I mumbled &#8220;I&#8217;m afraid I&#8217;m stuck with that,&#8221; and took my leave as gracefully as I could.</p>
