78 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
78 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
Sexual Competence
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<p>Most of the participants in the recent blogospheric <a href="http://www.creatical.com/weblog/archives/00000791.shtml#comments"><br />
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mini-flap</a> about a Yale Press Daily article on the fine points of<br />
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<a href="http://yaledailynews.com/article.asp?aid=17519">fellatio</a><br />
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either make crude jokes, dismiss the article as either a sophomoric<br />
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exercise in tweak-the-fogies or shocking evidence of the depravity of<br />
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today’s youth.</p>
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<p>I think both are missing the real point. Well, OK, the<br />
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tweak-the-fogies camp is not completely off base, but there is<br />
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something the Natalie Krinsky who wrote this item of tweakery<br />
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understands that they don’t seem to. And that is this: today,<br />
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<em>sexual competence is a mainstream virtue</em> — part of the<br />
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normal toolkit of adults, like table manners or choosing appropriate<br />
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clothes.</p>
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<p>And by “sexual competence” I specifically do not mean just the<br />
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ability to get laid, but being good in bed once you get there. Sexual<br />
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competence includes the ability to give and receive sexual pleasure.<br />
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It includes the ability to express one’s playfulness, affection, lust,<br />
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passion, and love towards a sexual partner with physical acts; to give<br />
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pleasure with behavior that is considered, purposed, and conscious,<br />
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and which expresses pride in and enjoyment of one’s own sexual<br />
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nature.</p>
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<p>In the dark and backward abysm of time (that is, before about<br />
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1973), nice people weren’t really supposed to <em>work</em> at being<br />
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good in bed. Only prostitutes, gigolos and sex symbols were allowed<br />
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the privilege of treating sex as a conscious art of pleasure.<br />
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Everybody else was, essentially, only allowed to be good in bed only<br />
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by accident of endowment.</p>
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<p>There was a limited exception for married couples and other people<br />
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passionately in love. They were permitted to improve their sexual<br />
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competence as long as the goal was to affirm the relationship. The<br />
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idea that competence at giving sexual pleasure could be a good in<br />
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itself, even in a one-night stand, was simply not part of our culture.<br />
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The outraged critics of Ms. Krinsky’s article seem still to be living in<br />
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that world.</p>
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<p>But the reality around them has changed. Alex Comfort’s <cite>The<br />
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Joy of Sex</cite> was probably the breakthrough, nearly thirty years<br />
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ago now. Today’s college kids have grown up in an environment in<br />
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which questions of sexual competence (and expectations about it) go<br />
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way beyond “will-she/won’t-she?” and “can he avoid coming too soon if<br />
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she does?”.</p>
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<p>Today, even teenage boys and girls expect each other to cultivate<br />
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sexual competence; those who don’t are simply not competitive in the<br />
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dating-and-mating game. Ms. Krinsky’s article may have been intended<br />
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to tweak the fogies — but it also describes learning behavior that is<br />
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perfectly adaptive for today’s environment, because oral sex is a<br />
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gateway behavior for the aspiring hedonist.</p>
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<p>That is, learning how to give good head is usually the first<br />
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pleasure-giving behavior in sex that is not a straight-line<br />
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elaboration of instinct. Kissing, caressing, and intercourse are<br />
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wired in; one can refine technique, but the behavioral basis is<br />
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already present. Oral sex is the usually the first behavior sexual<br />
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hedonists acquire that <em>has</em> to be completely learned.</p>
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<p>A significant and related fact is that taking <em>pleasure</em><br />
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from giving head has to be learned, by a kind of transference from the<br />
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pleasure taken by one’s partner. Experienced fellatrices and<br />
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cunnilinguists may learn to take direct sensual pleasure in the act,<br />
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but that usually follows from and is conditioned in by the<br />
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transference effect rather than leading it. Thus, for beginners,<br />
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giving oral sex is a particularly unselfish and adult skill.</p>
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<p>Finally, for most pairs of partners oral sex is the most important<br />
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method of orgasmic gratification other than vaginal intercourse. So<br />
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learning to give good head is not just a gateway behavior, it’s one<br />
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that tends to remain central in the adult repertoire.</p>
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<p>Therefore, a teenage girl teaching herself how to give a good<br />
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blowjob is not merely learning how to give a blowjob. She is<br />
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declaring her intention to acquire the (now mainstream) virtue of<br />
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sexual competence. She is matter-of-factly reaching not just for a<br />
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particular skill that she knows will be expected of her as an adult,<br />
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but to learn the attitude and sensitivity that will take her<br />
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further on the path of sexual ability. She is growing herself<br />
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up.</p>
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<p>Looked at this way, it’s hard to see why anyone living in 2002<br />
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should find Ms. Krinsky’s report of her self-training exceptionable. One<br />
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might just as well object to her teaching herself how to cook, or drive,<br />
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or dance.</p>
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<p><a href="http://enetation.co.uk/comments.php?user=esr&commentid=76959124">Blogspot comments</a></p>
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